Kicking Cancer’s ASS ~ 6 WEEKS DOWN AND STILL A PAIN IN OUR ASS…

So much has happened in the week and a half…the poor guy can’t catch a break. I’m actually enjoying working again because I’m gravitating to some normalcy and feeling pretty guilty about it because the hub’s new normalcy blows. It pretty much sucks the big one if you ask me…He tries so hard to eat but when he does he struggles and feels worse and worse as the day goes on and it becomes such a vicious cycle. He’s losing more and more weight and continues to walk around like a zombie almost feeling like he’s overmedicated but yet still in so much pain. I’m almost afraid to mention I even have a headache because what will that even compare to what he’s feeling. He’s fallen down a few times because he is so weak I am afraid he’s losing his will because he’s not eating much. Monday is the beginning of week 6 – 11 more radiations to go until he’s done. But I have a feeling he’s going to need some fluids because of dehydration…

..my dear aunt passed away and funeral services are on Monday the start of week six at the same time as his radiation appointment which I hope does not conflict with my aunt’s funeral…and knowing he will need fluids. I try my best for us to arrive there early. Which is a pretty damn good for me ~ as I AM NOT a morning person ~ and after all these weeks I’m STILL not a morning person. I remember getting there early thinking yay we got this…quick trip…we will make it in time…ugh…I stare over at him and he just looks so lost…so sick…oh I have a feeling he is going to need fluids…they called his name ~ he’s able to get his radiation….now all he needs is his vitals…my fingers are crossed…please let them be good…crap…not good… not good at all. In fact the machine started alarming off…I didn’t even know they did this kind of thing. The hub’s heart rate is all over the board ~ beating as low as 60 BPM to 150 BPM, low blood pressure and of course he is dehydrated. His weight keeps pouring off of them so they are suggesting feeding tube and for once I am happy. He doesn’t need just fluids…he needs to be admitted…they need to monitor him…why? How serious is this? Why am I getting scared? Crap can he tell I am worried? I was happy to hear about the feeding tube { do I believe this is the only way he’s going to get his nutrients. }…but the unknown of it all still is a little freaky. Then the reality of it all sinks in… knowing he’s being admitted I will be missing my aunts funeral and it’s hard for me to hide my sadness for this because he is going to blame himself…and will start apologizing ~ it’s not his fault…its the damn cancer…thats who to blame! I know my family will understand even though I’m having a hard time understanding myself.

It took almost the whole entire day for them to attempt to put the feeding tube in which wasn’t successful ~ his throat is so inflamed causing him to gag ~ his gag reflexes are blocking the tube from going down so they’re going to attempt tomorrow… he will be put to sleep. Even though the feeding tube is a good thing you can see in his eyes how nervous and scared he is…I swear I am so tired of saying “you got this”…he’s been through so much… As the nurses are explaining about the feeding tube in the machines to help the food run through it and how Home Care needs to come to help set us up at home I start getting nervous but is afraid to show it in front of him. It all seems so overwhelming. The procedure went just fine. Which took almost the whole entire day before they even started and then four hours later to start the food to run through it is now officially gone with three days without eating. I keep reminding myself eight more radiations to go and seven more radiations to go six more radiations to go…it’s a huge countdown for us for the ability for him to ring that damn bell. His little mini celebration that his treatment is done and over with and then will have another countdown countdown For his next pet scan to see all the cancer gone so we can truly do a celebration.

He is now content…I can go home…do a photo shoot and catch up on some editing…but my phone rings in the middle of my session…he now has a fever…oh crap…this is not good…why? What in the hell? What else can happen? They do a couple of chest X-rays to make sure the tubing is all good and working and where it is supposed to be and take what feels like a hundred blood samples to get some cultures started. He does have a UTI…but they do not believe that is what causing the fever to spike so high…the medication should be taking care of the UTI…more blood is taken…more chest X-rays…more cultures to grow…all the time he is not feeling better…he now has severe abdominal pain that has not explanation…so they increase his pain patch and give him another antibiotic until they can sort through all of this…I just pray it will happen soon…this has got to end soon…he has been through so much! Some medication keeps the pain in control and the fever down…this is good…

But it is now Friday…he has been in here since Monday…his fever is spiking yet again…along with the abdominal pain…I sit next to him completely helpless….all I can do is hold his hand and be with him… amazing how much this is taking a toll on him ~ myself included ~ how you handle things when dealt shitty deck. His still has part of his sense of humor…It’s amazing when you find the strength…so this is how this week and half has been for us…

We received word that he’s going to be in the hospital for another 4 to 5 days until they can figure out what is causing the infection, the UTI should be under control with the generic anabiotic but they also need to figure out what is causing his severe abdominal pain. To be honest with you today he looks really good ~ he’s getting a little bit of pinkness back in his face and I know he appreciates where he is at as well… they are doing their best to help him…there’s a calm when we stay here… sad as that is… the nurses are oh so wonderful… they become your family while you are here… even though they don’t see the same patients everyday they poke their heads in the room to see how he is doing or to give him a little pep talk…

..ugh…but the good news is…he is in the right place for all of this…and I have faith he’s got this…just 6 more radiations to go and he will be on the path to healing! I just tell myself…six more radiations to go…he’s got this…kicking cancer’s ass…six more rads

He tries to eat anything but doesn’t have much success…an ice cream cone didn’t even do the trick…although the dogs appreciated that!